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SlyLady
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Country: United States
State: Mississippi
Birthday: 4/1/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: My mascot is the mighty penguin. Favorite animal is the majestic platypus. Hobbies: Art, music, literature, my pets, bellydancing and sleeping, Classic Battletech.
Interests: Good books, good music, good men
Expertise: Rabbits, dogs, biochemistry/chemistry, art, music, literature, and kickin ass.....why bother with names?
Occupation: Student
Industry: Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/22/2003
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| Am I really just being an unreasonable, moody, hormonal female?
Dont get me wrong. Females have hormones, which make us moody and unreasonable. Sometimes about petty, stupid things. But this time.... can you blame it on the chromosome?
So I have been seeing, whatever you wanna call it, this guy for almost 2 and a half years (depending on when you start the count). It was in November, almost two years into the relationship, when after I threw something short of a temper tantrum he finally came down to visit. He planned to visit over spring break, but he didnt get the exact days off he wanted...so he didnt come at all.
Needless to say, I want him to move. Why? Because I am trying to finish my PhD. And, as sad as it is, right now we make about the same annual salary. Its probable that I make more, actually I think I do make more. Also, because he could do the same job he does here, for...almost double the salary.
When we were talking about him coming to visit his requirement was that his current car could never make the drive. And he never would fly, hop a bus, take a train, or even rent a car. He insisted he had to buy a new car, something he needed anyways. But, he also insisted that he had to buy the car outright, he could never take out a loan. He needed the new car, the one he was driving was an inch away from car death. After 1 year and a half, and me throwing a fit, he finally decided that he guesses he could take out a loan for a newer car. So he bought the new car he needed and after a year and 8 months of talking he finally came to visit. Now, I know some are asking "Well, why young lady didn't you go visit him?". Because when my father got wind of my plans to visit after 3 months of talking he threatened to cut me off financially if I made the trip. All he insisted was that this guy come to see me first, that we meet on my turf, that if he likes me so much him coming to see me first is what should be done, what is proper. And, he is right. If I am worth it then whoever this guy is should come after me. I'm the girl.
Aside from gaining the obvious- a smart, feisty, intellegent woman who will be, and is, able to do anything she wants- him moving he would be better in almost every aspect of his life! He would make more money! He would have a better job, where he doesn't have to do everything he does now! He would probably lose weight because we would go and do things, rather than parking it in front of the computer all day-not talking/ typing- but "spending time together"! Hell, we would both lose weight! We could do stupid things like go on dates, go to the movies, spend real time together, maybe get engaged! Get married! But... no. He wants to "save money" and move down when he can afford to a)move and b) keep the house he currently has. Why does he want to keep the house? The hell if I know. He lives in the middle of no where. Regardless of what the future holds for me the only jobs avilable where he lives are gas attendant, a bar waitress, and probably where he works. Needless to say, no jobs for me within a 30 mile radius....probably more actually. But he still wants me to move to him. He still wants to keep the house.
So... where does this leave me? Should I let sleeping dogs lie and wait for him? Should I tell him "shit or get off the pot"? Or should I say... Its obvious. I'm not worth it to you, and I'm tired of feeling like I'm just not worth anything. I'm tired that it is ok with you to wait 2,3,4,5..... ect years until you finally want to move to me, to be together. Maybe thats it. Maybe the reason he isn't moving is because deep down he knows that I'm just not *that* girl. And...maybe now I'm coming to realise that if he isn't willing to treat me like *that* girl...then he isnt *that* guy for me.
This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my own breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with
`Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.
'Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares.
Someone to love with my life in their hands.
There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.
`Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they´re not alone.
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere.
There`s gotta be somebody for me out there.
~Nickleback
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| Sorry, listening to too much Hannah Montana lately (don't judge me!) Anyways, I've been busy. I'm finally at that point where I feel like I don't need anymore classes, I just need to get caught up with the current literature in my field. Which is good... but annoying because I still have more classes to take. Other than that I guess I'm still waiting for my life to start. Its really weird. Almost all my friends are married, having babies. Hell, its gotten to the point where even my friends younger siblings are getting married or having babies (note: the events are not mutually exclusive). My little sister's friend, who is about her age and is almost like my other little sister, had a baby this Thursday. Her older sister, who is roughly my age, has a kid that is... about a year and a half now I guess. And...here I am. Still in school. And the closest thing Ive had to "romance" was flirting with the bass player of a jazz group that plays at a Italian restarunt here. Yea. I don't know. I feel like I've missed...well...everything. I never had a date to prom. Hell... in high school never even had a date. College was spent studying and hanging out with friends. My freshman roomate was determined to set me up...so I had one date in college (BTW- he is married too). A two other guys that asked....but they were creepy. Well... maybe more than one date if you count J...but I am not sure I do, given that I paid for as many, if not more meals and visits. And now I'm in another long distance "relationship", and I use the term losely because I can think of no other word in the english language that would appropriately describe the situation I once again find myself in. I like the guy..I do. But what is the point of waiting YEARs, and trust me folks- its going to be YEARS, to see if a) its worth him moving (Shut up, he has to move. In the arguement of who should move to whom I win, hands down, before the discussion even starts.) and b) if this thing would even workout long term and up close worth it? When do you just say "forget it. If you want me, you know where to find me"? I'm glad for the climb, it gave me time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Its given me time to gain assets that will help prepare me for that future I will, hopefully, have. Still, I cant help but wish I had gotten to forgoe the past three years and was able to have that time now. To be able to be 3 years into a PhD. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I was so far behind in...well...everything. Keep on moving, keep climbing, keep the faith. Peace, ~Brenna | | |
| Again, it has been a while, but alas. Tis the life of a busy grad student.
I finally hath escaped that wretched rotation. My 3rd rotation is better. I am doing work I understand, still having blond moments, but things are getting better.
Speaking of blond moments- I dyed my hair red :) Its lotsa fun.
Also, I have a position. I went and spoke with the professor I did my first rotation with and he was very excited to take me on as a graduate student :) Its not that I hate the rotation I'm in now- it is just that this professor is very hands off. I did that with my Masters degree... not so much fun and I'd rather not repeate the process. But Dr L is going to kick my ass, and I am going to be so much better for it.
So. I am going to be, hopefully (fingers still crossed as we are trying to figure out where funding will come from) working on coronavirus that serves as an animal model for SARS :)
Excited- yes
Nervous- totally
Ready- Most defiantly not.
The challenge will be great. And I am looking forward to having the crap kicked out of me. :)
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| So alot has changed over the year. I got a dog, a new school, a new apartment, a new car.... Yet I have managed to find myself in the same predicament: working for an anal, self-absorbed shithead. I did not choose wisely this rotation. But I knew it was a gamble- he is a new professor. But I must confess that his telling me, the week before Christmas, that I wasn't living up to his expectations that that I could not have an additional week off because of my dissappointing and poor preformance....well... Yea. Never mind that for the first three weeks I would rush into his office, gushing with ideas, and plans of how to do things (BTW- I saw some of my ideas writting up on his white board, which only makes me think that he plans to use them (and probably pass them off as his own)). Never mind that I have been working a similar amount of hours as I did in my last rotation (where I accomplished a ton). Never mind that when I got to his lab there were holidays and exams to worry through. NEVER MIND the fact that the ONLY thing he told me to do was grow cells (and I told him- I have limited experience with cells and no experience with the exact line he was using). And I did that, I did it well. I did that with multiple scinerios and with multiple substrates. I kept him informed on what we were doing and what my opinion was on everything. No. Never mind that. I'm lazy and am probably just coasting through on people's good opinion. Cause... you know.. the last rotation I did the professor wasnt looking to accept students and he offered me a potential position. And I graduated with a DOUBLE masters with 10+ additional hours. And I just got word I'm author on ANOTHER paper. But, you know, I'm just lazy. Meh. Just one month of this crap. Then on to another professor. I just need to chill. The real problem is that this guy reminds me alot of my MS professor, and I'm still pissed off about all that crap. So my threshold level is lowered and my stress is still up from all that crap. I just need to remember "smile and nodd" and to breathe deeply. Other than that I am enjoying my time at home. Chilling. I miss my family and it is nice that my dog has playmates. Also, Marey & Me is an insanely cute and sweet movie. | | |
| So yea, been a while. Namely I just hate the new layout of Xanga. Sad but true. That and I've been as busy as a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.
Other than that I find myself happy and content. There have been ups and downs, troubles and terrors. Hurricane Ike gave us a scare, but was nothing more than a windy gust by the time it got here. My dog had a tumor that was about 2.5 cm that had to be removed, but luckily it was just benign. Class is, well, class. It is good when it is good and boring when it isnt. Had a take home final due today, which sucked because it was after Thanksgiving, which of course means I didn't start working on it until 4pm yesterday. So it isnt the best piece of work, but hey... they curve and I did well enough on the last two tests to stay with the curve.
My first rotation went well enough that apparently the professor is looking for money to hire me with. Within the first month I had made such an impression as to turn "I'm not looking for a new student this year" to "If you would like to come back we would love to have you". Right now I'm in a lab of a new professor. I can't really get a read on him, but I'm not sure it is a good fit. I think he and I function on two different wavelengths and I'm not sure the two would ever meet. For my third rotation I already have a professor agreed and who said "By that time I hope to have a grant to offer you to work on." Wow. Two professors who were not looking for new students in August who have both offered me a position in their labs. I have never, ever had that happen, and it kinda freaks me out.
I finally got to meet the guy I have been talking with online for almost two years. Keith, aka Vang, came down to spend the holiday with me since I couldn't go home. We had a good time all-in-all. Went to the Tx Renaissance fair, which was a BLAST. I made him go see "Twilight" as punishment (Hey, its only fair he get dragged to at least ONE chick flick  ). But, alas, long distance relationships are hard to gauge. I remain hopeful though.
For now it is time to wind the semester down and get ready to go home for Christmas! I can't wait. This is the longest I have been away from my family.
Well, I suppose I should take Taggart on a walk before he starts to chew the apartment again. Later!
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