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SlyLady
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Location: Mississippi, United States
Birthday: 4/1/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: My mascot is the mighty penguin. Favorite animal is the majestic platypus. Hobbies: Art, music, literature, my pets, bellydancing and sleeping, Classic Battletech.
Interests: Good books, good music, good men
Expertise: Rabbits, dogs, biochemistry/chemistry, art, music, literature, and kickin ass.....why bother with names?
Occupation: Student
Industry: Research
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/22/2003
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| So I am going to blog about this before my head spins off. And hopefully I can then proceed to work on things that I ACTUALLY need to be working on today.
So I got an email from my ex-boyfriend, Keith, saying he wants me back.
I'm sorry. Not one email. 2.
If the last guy I went out with tells me he wants me back too I think my head will just explode.
I don't need this. Really people. I don't. I am trying to get my proposal written and passed out by Thrusday, so that I can start exams next week, so that I can have my oral exam on the 18th, so that I can become a real PhD student.
I'm currently on two medications to help curb/control my anxiety AND I'm on b.c. because my system is so shot that my periods are running amok. Amok, amok, amok. The Vatican can bite me.
I have a sweet guy I am seeing. Really, he is very sweet. And we get along great. And he puts up with my crazy friends. And now Keith is feeling ever so much better, he is losing weight, the future is bright, and after 3.5 years NOW he wants to put for the effort and fight for me.
What with school, people, and life in general.... My parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems are SHOT. I'm sure my endocrine system is ready for a nap. My spleen and thymus are likely shriveled, and I'm sure I will be more prone to getting sick. I haven't had a real vacation since Christmas last year, and the closest I have gotten since was the week I had a cold.
I am in no way emotionally, mentally, or even physically in ANY way in a place where I can make any serious decisions about a relationship and its long term goals.
And eventually I will tell him this. But I just need a few minutes to process how the heck I am going to say what I need to say.
I need a vacation. From life. ASAP.
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| ok. So. Update.
All of you know about the guy I had been dating. he dumped me because he says his ex-gf showed up pregnant and he wanted to take time to make a decision.
Ok. Cool.
So last week in an attempt to relieve stress and amuse myself I thought it would be funny to douse his car in catnip, an idea I got a) from Magic Bleeds and b) his Apmtgaurd nick is "Catnip" (Hell, that is how he introduces himself to a lot of people).
So Sunday, as if ordained by God, I do a drive by and see his windows are all rolled down. I have a bag of catnip I aquired just for this occasion. So I run, dump it in his car, and drive off like I stole it. He seems only mildly irritated, and asks who doused his car in oregano. About half his friends claim the prank, because lets face it: its freaking funny. I still can't believe no one has thought of it before.
I, of course, deny.
Then later I go back and use vasoline on his window to have the catnip stick in the shape of a 'C". A few days pass and I decide it would be amusing to utilize another one of his nicks, by a friend, "kitty litter". Here is where it goes south.
I have been sick almost all week from a cold. So, I do another drive by, see that he is home, and decide it is pranking time. So I have the bag of cat littler ready to go, but his car alarm goes off. Once again I bolt, but I drive back to either reaquire my pranking equipment or compete my task. Well, unfortunatly the cops roll up, so I walk, casually back to my car, saying "Howdy" on the way. I pull out, and drive off.
Allow me to preference this next part by saying that at this time I am still sick AND I am driving a rental car because mine is in the shop.
As I am driving off I get pulled over because, apparently,. I did not have my headlights on. The cop says he flashed me, but obviously I was a little preoccupied. The kind man gives me leeway because I am driving a rental and sound horrible because of my cold.
So the next day this asshat I used to date send out another mass text saying that they police have the prank supplies and he will have them print it and he will press charges unless someone confesses.
I *STUPIDLY* confess. I shouldn't have. I have no record and there is no way they would have even thought of me.
So I call, and he sounds cool about it. He kinda laughs then says he is going to go back to bed.
Then I get three incendiary text messages calling me a stalker and telling me to stay the fuck away from him, and to be greatful that he did not press charges because prison time and what not. He also adds that his GIRLFRIEND'S ex husband has been harassing the two of them so that is why "the cops responded in 3 minutes". Keep in mind I was there when the cops arrived. It was more like 10-15 minutes. And he never saw me.
And allow me to say this: I am a PhD student, with a public service record. He is a community college perma-student with a prison record who is currently on probation (and apparently can't control his dick enough to avoid other men wanting to kill him). Who, exactly, do we think the cops would favor in this particular dispute?
So he also, stupidly, calls my friends to complain about how I am acting like a "stalker bitch". And I think this girl is an ex. I have no clue if they are sleeping together. And honestly, I don't fucking care. I wash my hands of him.
So, in all honestly, his words do sting. I swing back and forth between depression and rage. Luckily I am starting to live more in the rage. Which means I want to ACTUALLY vandalize his car. BUT because I am actually a sane, non-stalking individual I restrain myself and try to find more productive ways to manage my rage.
It will hurt, for a while.
It helps though that he was not that good in bed. He was the first guy I had vaginal intercourse with (since some people consider oral sex equal to vaginal intercourse), but I never came. So its not like I'm hooked on that. I did love the way he smelled.
But I'm a survivor.
I will go back to my BS, MS/MS, and working on my PhD. Living in my nice, safe apartment and the great friends I made prior to him going batshit.
And he can go back to his quest to make it on Jerry Springer.
Apocalyptica "I'm NOT Jesus"
Dirty little secret
Dirty little lies
Say your prayers
And comb your hair
Save your soul tonight...
Drift among the faithful
Bury your desires
Aborations fill your head
You need a place to hide
and I am-
Do you remember me?
The kid i used to be
Do you remember me?
When your world comes crashing down - I want to relive
(Good God hes looking down on me)
I'm not Jesus - Jesus wasn't there
You confess it all away but its only shit to me
(Good God hes looking down on me)
I'm not Jesus i will not forgive
No i WON'T
No i won't
I thought you were a good man
I thought you talked to god
You hippocratic, messianic, child abusing, turn satanic
Do you remember me?
Do you remember me?
The kid i used to be
Do you remember?
DO YOU REMEMBER?
When your whole world comes undone
Let me be the one to say
I'm not Jesus you can't run away
And the innocence you spoiled
Found a way to live
(Good God hes looking down on me)
I'm not Jesus i will not forgive
(I will not forgive
I want whatever you wanted
I will not forgive
I won't be whatever you wanted)
Do you remember me
The kid i used to be
Not the same as i used to be
OH DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
NOOOOOOOOOOOO
When your world comes crashing down I want to be there
(Good God hes looking down on me)
I'm not jesus - jesus wasn't there
You confess it all away but its only shit to me
(Good God hes looking down on me)
I'm not jesus i will not..
I'm not jesus i will not forgive
Ohh i will not forgive -yeah yeah
No i will not forgive...
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| "I don't have a choice"
That is the most Unholy, Un-Godlly thing a human being can ever utter.
You have every choice. Since the beginning man and woman was given choice. Above all other creatures we have not only choice, but the greatest capacity of all kind to MAKE a choice.
People start spouting "pre-ordained" and "pre-destined" and "pre-determined", but these things are nothing without choice. To me predesination is similar to this: You offer a small child an apple for some cookies. You, as the adult, know which the small child will take. But he still has the choice. As humans we are prone to error, which means we may be *wrong* and the child will chose what we did not expect. But God knows all, and is never wrong. Just because he knows, these things do not invalidate or remove our ability and our God-given gift to CHOSE.
Every day we chose. We chose to go to work or stay home. We chose to love or to hate. We chose to give up our choices.
Giving up your choice.
Giving up the greatest gift God bestowed on Man.
As in Matthew 25:14-30 surely this is the greatest sin we can commit, this waste of talent, of experience, of love. To give up our choice.
You shrug and say "It has all be preordained by God". But what happens when you being to live unsatisfied in your life. Feeling like you are waiting on the preordination to take over. When you die and stand before God asking "Why was my life the way it was?" What do you think he will say? Do you honestly believe that God will stand before you and say "I preordained it so". Or will he look at you, kindly smile, and say "It was your choice."
His knowledge of your decision does not make your decision any less important or have any less impact. His knowledge of your decision only means that God has no expectations. Expectations imply that you have no knowledge of the outcome, so you hope...you expect. Expectations are of man. You Father knows the outcome, so there is no expectation. You will never fail is Your Father's eyes, for he already knows what you will do, so there will be no disappointment. God will never feel disappointed at the choice you made, not because He made it for you, but because he knew what you would do.
Think about it. Right or wrong, split second or long term, life or death- you decisions will never disappoint God. They may disappoint man. But never will you disappoint Abba.
We all have a choice. Our choices may make no matter, or they may shake the foundations of lives.
You always have a choice.
Never waste it. And never fail to own up to it. Love God and yourself enough to take up the wonderful burden that is your gift to chose.
Always chose to love. For love, like God, knows no expectations.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
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| "You shouldn't have to wait"
Bullshit.
I call shenanigans.
It is this particular mindset that has given America the boat load of troubles it has today. Don't want to wait for that new, hot car? Don't worry- we have the loan for you. Don't want to wait for that mansion? Don't worry- we can make your home dreams come true. You want that Ivy League education now? Don't worry, we can help you afford it.
Then people accumulate over a lifetimes worth of debt in 5-10 years. They spend the rest of their life paying it off.
I have been impatiently, patient waiting for my mate. Years of discerning "Do I even want to date him and see?", "Is this *really* the right guy for me?". Years of friends fixing me up. Years of looking at guys going "Ohhh! Me! Pick me!". Years of dating men that for a period of time I thought were right, but came to pass that they were not my mate.
I waited through 4 years of undergrad, 3 years of a double masters degree (one degree I hated), and now I'm waiting through however many years it takes for me to FINALLY reach a PhD. Waiting for experiments to work or to fail. Waiting for when I can go home. Waiting for the next big step in my road to getting a PhD. Waiting to GET my PhD so that then I can get a JOB.
I spend my life waiting.
If it makes you feel better I'm not waiting for him, persay. I'm simply waiting for what is next.
I spend my life....waiting.
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| Are you there?
Are you watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
They say you feel what I do
They say you're here every moment
Will you stay?
Stay 'till the darkness leaves
Stay here with me
I know you're busy, I know I'm just one
But you might be the only one who sees me
The only one to save me
Why is it so hard?
Why can't you just take me?
I don't have much to go
Before I fade completely
Can you feel how cold I am?
Do you cry as I do?
Are you lonely up there all by yourself?
Like I have felt all my life
The only one to save mine
How are you so strong?
What's it like to feel so free?
Your heart is really something
Your love, a complete mystery to me
Are you there watching me?
As I lie here on this floor
Do you cry, do you cry with me?
Cry with me tonight
Are you there?
Are you watching me?
~"Irvine", Kelly Clarkson
My parasympathetic nervous system is completely fucked up. Seriously. Between the stress of work, the stress of boy, and the stress of life in general right now...I need a vacation. Seriously. Me, a few good books, and a beach. Just me. In my own head, for a little while.
Since I can't have me in his arms. This is the first time I actually think I have experienced being in love with a man. I mean, I loved my other boyfriends. And to a certain extent I still love them.
But this guy... drive me crazy but makes me sane all at the same time. I want to tell him everything, but I don't want to break the comfortable silence we can have with each other. I even dream about him. I never dreamed about my other boyfriends before. Maybe it is just because he was here, we met and dated almost normally. I sleep better when he is near. I am in a better mood when I hear from him, when I know he is ok.
No one seems to understand. A lot of my other friends just say move on, lets find you someone new. But it is not that easy. I wish it were, but I am stuck. I've never.... its never been this way for me. Not saying I don't look if something pretty walks by, but I just can't get excited about going out and finding anyone. I just want to stay here. I hate it, I hate what I am going through, and I hate that I don't want to leave it. But I know that right now I would be treating any other guy unfairly because I am still just...
Everything is better with him. I cannot help that this is the way I am. I just wish it could be indulged. I wish he wasn't worth it. But he is. Not a lot of people know it...but he truly is. Especially for me.
Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't wanna speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I wanna be, yeah
Oh I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting for
The scraps to fall off of your table to the ground
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